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What are you most proud of in your life?

What am I most proud of in my life…well that is a difficult statement as I fight back the tears.

I came from a background where I did not feel loved or valued. I was born with a condition where to see ahead of me I had to tilt my head backwards to see…so then I was often quite clumsy because I fell over things in front of me..

One of my parents never encouraged me and to be told ‘ you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough…you aren’t as clever as your sisters’ might’ve sounded rewarding and encouraging but it wasn’t rewarding for me

It didn’t matter how much I tried. I received the same criticism from the teachers, as I did at home.

I did have operations to allow me to see more easily without tilting my head back ..but the words of those who should’ve known better have left lifelong sad habits and scars.

One would think the thoughts would leave me as I grew older..well not really, I tried many different methods of control or self harm but the thoughts still linger so I am most proud of these days that even though the thoughts remain and I struggle sometimes hourly or daily to lift myself from the the negative world of thought .. I feel I’m not capable of being good at anything I attempt.  Even though I’ve made some good decisions throughout my lifetime, the underlying thought is there on the darkest of days. And yes I’ve had therapy and pills and all sorts of treatment..

I practise mindfulness and do abstract art and write my thoughts down ..and make myself last another day…because one day I may be free of these challenges.

So I’m proud of the days that I have gotten through the darkness that surrounds me.